Truth (And How It Hurts)
New Year’s Eve was one to be reckoned with
My hurt turned into turmoil
In less than four to five words
Can you say
I felt worthless
I felt embarrassed and broken into pieces
All when I’m faced to start back at one
The square that I didn’t want to step back into
Nor did I want to realize
My desires are fantasy
And reality is kicking my ass
I cried
No reason to say that I haven’t
I’m crying right now
While I’m writing this
This is the truth
To give all that you have and not have anything left for yourself
Not even the strength to stand
Vulnerable is a sandbox that I don’t like to go in
But I have no other choice
I waited on your call
Instead I got a text
This is not the extreme makeover
That they show on TV
I know better
The one I know cares
Deeply and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me
But the blade that was pulled on me
Ripped all of my insides
And I can’t even feel my face
I’m that torn
For love that has lasted
I just can’t let go
I will fight
But I will not fight alone
Is this desperation or is this something else
And then after I fought for my words calmly
At the first sign of heat
You get up and go
Happy New Year to me
The sheets on my bed
Couldn’t hold all of the tears
I shed that night
I just didn’t feel like existing at that moment
I wondered what did I do wrong
But I didn’t do anything but express myself in the right way
And it was shut down by you
The next day I had to get up and make-believe I wasn’t a wreck
I’m not known for being fake, but I had to have my poker face
On twice as tight
The hours rolling on seemed like days and I just wanted
To fall down to the ground and cry some more
I never wanted what we had to end, it was not a win-win situation
We’re both losers in this
And the sad part about it
This is not transition, this is hell
Right now
All about right now
Not showing any old scar tissue or why there is any scar tissue
But all about the now
I haven’t felt this way in so long
This is no place and it seems like there's no place to be
With nowhere to hide
I am prey and I know it
My heart is now on display
And you can see it, all of it in my eyes
Sleep is not coming easy to me
And the bags and burdens that I carry now
I wish I could I would have
After hearing that sex was just sex and it means nothing
That’s the statement I am playing on rewind
I am trying to decipher the coldness behind it
Is it directed towards me
Sex is not as singular as one can make it
You still make a decision on whom you lay down with
Period
If it were just sex and sex only, you would sleep with anyone and everyone
That’s the bare bone difference
Selection and the whole decision with attraction & desire changes everything
You don’t have to be Freud to see that
It’s not that I’m making more out of the occurrences
But it’s the truth
Hell, I’m not crazy
I know better
Loving me has been a road to be traveled several times and for many years
But just in a month and a couple of days, intimacy with me is now thrown to the dogs
And it’s a “fuckfest” and you’re the party planner
You can’t halfway be intimate
You can’t halfway love someone
You can’t halfway hurt someone
You either do or you don’t care
Is it that simple, nope
But when you peel back all the layers and years
You see things for what they are
I’m not preachy, I just know that someone that I still I hold so dear
The one that I will do my best to protect
Despite the shit that is happening
Is now changing into someone who I’m scared to get to know all over again
Even as friends, friends DO NOT hurt each other
Regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not
We’re both looking at this map of confusion
But not together in the best interest of each other
And how can this be
You took away my hug
You’re now giving it to others
The kiss that made me smile and feel comforted
Is now shared with others
This is the reality that fucking hurts
I can’t be selfish with your time and what you desire now
But I’ve worked too hard, we’ve worked too hard
To show that loving hard can persevere
Love is not a toy, it is for real
Can’t you see that already
When I fell in love with you, it wasn’t my decision
My heart told me so
Consumed with honesty, sincerity and integrity
And I will never regret it
I love you right now and for always
I am you, and you are me
We breathe each other
So that’s why I’m so rapt in my emotions
And why my heart is truly defeated
I want you back and the love that is yours and mine only
It may be a dream to you, but I know what I want
And with all of the force I have, I’m not ready to be a loser
This is not a plea for attention
This is a bold statement from my soul and unrestricted heart
If you can’t hear me and understand me before the next teardrop falls
There won’t be anything left for me to do but to walk away
My limbs and posture are trying to go limp and that would be the event
In my life that could wreck it all
That’s the fucking truth
And it hurts
My hurt turned into turmoil
In less than four to five words
Can you say
I felt worthless
I felt embarrassed and broken into pieces
All when I’m faced to start back at one
The square that I didn’t want to step back into
Nor did I want to realize
My desires are fantasy
And reality is kicking my ass
I cried
No reason to say that I haven’t
I’m crying right now
While I’m writing this
This is the truth
To give all that you have and not have anything left for yourself
Not even the strength to stand
Vulnerable is a sandbox that I don’t like to go in
But I have no other choice
I waited on your call
Instead I got a text
This is not the extreme makeover
That they show on TV
I know better
The one I know cares
Deeply and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me
But the blade that was pulled on me
Ripped all of my insides
And I can’t even feel my face
I’m that torn
For love that has lasted
I just can’t let go
I will fight
But I will not fight alone
Is this desperation or is this something else
And then after I fought for my words calmly
At the first sign of heat
You get up and go
Happy New Year to me
The sheets on my bed
Couldn’t hold all of the tears
I shed that night
I just didn’t feel like existing at that moment
I wondered what did I do wrong
But I didn’t do anything but express myself in the right way
And it was shut down by you
The next day I had to get up and make-believe I wasn’t a wreck
I’m not known for being fake, but I had to have my poker face
On twice as tight
The hours rolling on seemed like days and I just wanted
To fall down to the ground and cry some more
I never wanted what we had to end, it was not a win-win situation
We’re both losers in this
And the sad part about it
This is not transition, this is hell
Right now
All about right now
Not showing any old scar tissue or why there is any scar tissue
But all about the now
I haven’t felt this way in so long
This is no place and it seems like there's no place to be
With nowhere to hide
I am prey and I know it
My heart is now on display
And you can see it, all of it in my eyes
Sleep is not coming easy to me
And the bags and burdens that I carry now
I wish I could I would have
After hearing that sex was just sex and it means nothing
That’s the statement I am playing on rewind
I am trying to decipher the coldness behind it
Is it directed towards me
Sex is not as singular as one can make it
You still make a decision on whom you lay down with
Period
If it were just sex and sex only, you would sleep with anyone and everyone
That’s the bare bone difference
Selection and the whole decision with attraction & desire changes everything
You don’t have to be Freud to see that
It’s not that I’m making more out of the occurrences
But it’s the truth
Hell, I’m not crazy
I know better
Loving me has been a road to be traveled several times and for many years
But just in a month and a couple of days, intimacy with me is now thrown to the dogs
And it’s a “fuckfest” and you’re the party planner
You can’t halfway be intimate
You can’t halfway love someone
You can’t halfway hurt someone
You either do or you don’t care
Is it that simple, nope
But when you peel back all the layers and years
You see things for what they are
I’m not preachy, I just know that someone that I still I hold so dear
The one that I will do my best to protect
Despite the shit that is happening
Is now changing into someone who I’m scared to get to know all over again
Even as friends, friends DO NOT hurt each other
Regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not
We’re both looking at this map of confusion
But not together in the best interest of each other
And how can this be
You took away my hug
You’re now giving it to others
The kiss that made me smile and feel comforted
Is now shared with others
This is the reality that fucking hurts
I can’t be selfish with your time and what you desire now
But I’ve worked too hard, we’ve worked too hard
To show that loving hard can persevere
Love is not a toy, it is for real
Can’t you see that already
When I fell in love with you, it wasn’t my decision
My heart told me so
Consumed with honesty, sincerity and integrity
And I will never regret it
I love you right now and for always
I am you, and you are me
We breathe each other
So that’s why I’m so rapt in my emotions
And why my heart is truly defeated
I want you back and the love that is yours and mine only
It may be a dream to you, but I know what I want
And with all of the force I have, I’m not ready to be a loser
This is not a plea for attention
This is a bold statement from my soul and unrestricted heart
If you can’t hear me and understand me before the next teardrop falls
There won’t be anything left for me to do but to walk away
My limbs and posture are trying to go limp and that would be the event
In my life that could wreck it all
That’s the fucking truth
And it hurts
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